i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
