Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I smell stomach acid.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
