I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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