Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
