that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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