You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize