So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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