Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
