She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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