yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
