fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
