you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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