well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
