Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
