I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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