1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
