I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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