she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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