my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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