How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
