That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
