Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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