Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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