This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
