I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
