I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
