Ikea night.
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it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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