atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
