please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
