Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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