why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
