thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
