u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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