Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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