remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
