i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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