did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i believe in u and ur pee
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
