I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
