Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
