watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
