Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
