He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
