The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
