I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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