I cut my penus on the lid.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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