Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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