Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Couch. On fire.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
