WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
