He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
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Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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