Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
