Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
