cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
