I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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