Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
