I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
