You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him