If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.