Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
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