you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
