Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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