Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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