Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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